


are you a saint or a sinner?

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [53]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Conversations, Loki gets a chance to be a supportive boyfriend, M/M, POV Loki, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Civil War (Marvel), Steve has some stuff to work through, feelings and dialogue is what I do best, something short to tide you (and me) over, the aftermath of that mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-16 21:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9289805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: The ripples of the rupture in the Avengers take some time to settle.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I almost noted in the tags that this fic isn't very kind to Tony Stark but I don't actually think it's that _un_ kind either - mostly Loki doesn't like him very much ever and especially right now, and Steve's also a wee bit upset with his life choices. But it's not like I think he's the worst or whatever. I mean, just getting that disclaimer out of the way.
> 
> I'm in this weird place right now where I kind of want to wait and see where things go with Thor: Ragnarok in particular before I figure out what _I'm_ doing next, but also where I want to keep working on this verse before next November and have some vague ideas about how to do that. So I don't know, as of right now, what the next "big" fic in this verse is going to be. 
> 
> But there is gonna be one. And in the meantime probably more little fics, too. Especially as I'm currently doing my own reread of this series from the beginning, which hopefully will give me some idea bugs. 
> 
> But all general verse rambling aside: I left some loose ends unattended at the end of "don't care if heaven won't take me back", including any delving into what happened in Siberia and Steve's feelings thereof. So this fic: dealing with some of that aftermath. 
> 
> Enjoy! And thanks to my [betafriend](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com) for her help.

Watching Ross’s press conference for the fifth time, Loki felt oddly distant from himself. He was only half listening to the words, most of his thoughts occupied elsewhere: with Steve. Steve who was quiet if not withdrawn, pensive if not precisely unhappy. Steve had not mentioned much about what he’d missed, and Loki had not pressed him yet. He feared to touch something that might be too raw - wanted to trust that when Steve wished, he would come to Loki.

“Should I be insulted that you didn’t come to visit me right away when you got back?”

Loki stood and turned, flicking off the press conference he’d been watching for the fifth time. James stood leaning against the doorway, and Loki’s eyes flicked immediately to the space where his left arm had been. James’ smile was a little lopsided. “Yeah. Left an arm in Siberia.” 

“Steve didn’t mention that,” Loki said. “I was told only that you were recovering and not to be disturbed.” 

“Huh. Fair enough.” James shrugged his left shoulder. “Turns out having even a cybernetic arm ripped off will fuck with you. Guess Steve figured you had enough to freak out about.” James nodded at the TV. “Learning anything new from those repeat viewings?” 

“Not particularly.” Loki eyed James for a moment before adding, “I am guessing you did not lose your arm to our friend Zemo.”

“No,” James said. “I didn’t. Stark’s down an arc reactor, though. I hope he had to walk home.” 

“Mm.” Loki paused, glancing toward the large windows looking out over the trees. “I...apologize. For not visiting you.”

“S’fine,” James said. “I imagine you’ve been a little distracted. Steve said he talked you out of blowing up the prison, which if you ask me is too bad.” He cocked his head to the side. “You lost me fifty dollars, you know.” 

Loki raised his eyebrows. “By not blowing up the prison?”

“Unofficial bet with Wilson about whether or not Steve’d have to drag you back slung over his shoulder,” James said, deadpan. “I thought you’d pitch some kind of fit about needing to leave so Steve’d be safe.”

Loki felt his face heat. “Not very charitable of you,” he said. James snorted. 

“I wasn’t wrong, was I?”

“Steve can be persuasive,” Loki said, after a long pause. The corner of James’ mouth twitched. 

“He can.” James came around the couch and sat down. “Any word of the great escape yet?” 

“No,” Loki said. “But someone will talk, sooner or later.” He exhaled. “The king…”

“Are you wondering if I trust him?” Loki inclined his chin, and James huffed. “Probably not. His people are making me a new arm. Steve says he’s honorable. And cussedly stubborn, which might be more important.” He rolled his good shoulder back. “I think on this one I have to trust Steve’s instincts. I don’t have a lot of choices. None of us do.” 

Loki could not argue with that. “Steve,” Loki asked quietly, after a long pause. “Is he all right? He has been...quiet.” 

“Define ‘all right’,” James said dryly. “A lot of stuff just came crashing down around his ears.” Loki winced, and after a moment James added, “I think more than anything he’s angry. That he didn’t see this coming. That Stark...a lot of things about Stark. That he let his people take the fall.” James cut a sideways glance at Loki. “Leaving you behind.”

Loki exhaled. “You and I both know-”

“I don’t know anything,” James interrupted harshly. “Don’t tell me it was the only option.”

Loki’s jaw tightened. “Are  _ you  _ truly going to scold me for risk-taking?” 

“I’m not scolding anyone for anything,” James said, though he certainly sounded frustrated. Loki shook his head, an uncomfortable twist in his chest. 

“Steve has not said anything to me.”

“Yeah,” James said. “That’s cause it’s not you he’s angry with.”

* * *

Loki tracked Steve to where he was sparring with T’Challa. He forced himself to relax from his initial instinct and settled back to watch. The Wakandan king was good - fast and agile but with plenty of strength to back it. Steve was holding his own, however, and Loki watched him move with a slight smile. 

He could not help but enjoy watching Steve fight. The more so when there was no real danger.

The next time they broke apart, though, T’Challa straightened. “You have a visitor,” he said, meeting Loki’s eyes squarely. Loki looked back at him evenly, the small smile fading.

“Beg pardon for interrupting,” he said. Steve turned, running his fingers through his sweat-darkened hair, and smiled a little. 

“It’s all right. I’ve taken up enough of T’Challa’s time.” He looked back at the king. “Thank you,” he said, sounding oddly heartfelt. Loki wondered what else he was thanking the man for. “Another time?” 

T’Challa inclined his head. “Good day, Steve. Loki.” He moved almost completely silently. Loki narrowed his eyes. There was a puzzle there he would like to solve, but he was...wary of intruding. Curiosity would have to wait. 

“Hey,” Steve said, sounding a little out of breath. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing urgent,” Loki said. “If you would like to shower first…” Steve raised his eyebrows, and Loki half smiled. “I will behave.”

“You?” Steve said, teasing. Loki kissed him lightly. 

“I manage every so often.” 

He kept to his word, only allowing himself a brief glance at Steve as he got into the shower before turning his back, half closing his eyes. 

“You have not spoken at all about what happened,” he said, after a few moments. Steve didn’t answer right away. 

“Nothing that needs talking about,” he said finally. “It was a trap. Zemo was messing with us. Tony...things went south fast.”

“I am not your commander asking for a report, Steve,” Loki said mildly. Steve was quiet, and Loki leaned his head back, closing his eyes the rest of the way. “James said he thinks you are angry.”

“I’m not angry at you,” Steve said promptly. Loki wished hearing that did not make something in him unclench. 

“He didn’t say you were angry at  _ me. _ ” The shower shut off, but Steve did not emerge. Loki waited, listening. When he did finally hear footsteps, he didn’t open his eyes, waiting. 

“Loki…” He opened one eye to look at Steve, who was staring somewhere slightly to the left of him. “I don’t know what you want me to say.” 

“You assume I want you to say something. I am simply offering to listen to anything  _ you _ might wish to say.”

“I don’t know that I want to say anything.” 

“Mm,” Loki said. Steve huffed out through his nose. 

“It’s just - a mess. That’s all. Maybe I am angry. But seems to me there’s plenty to be angry  _ about. _ ”

“Did I say you should not be?” Steve didn’t answer, and Loki stepped toward him. “Steve…”

“I keep thinking,” Steve said suddenly, “about what I could’ve done differently.”

Loki shook his head. “Nothing. They backed you into a corner. From the beginning, there were no good answers.” 

“I wasn’t paying enough attention,” Steve said, like he hadn’t heard. “I didn’t see - or didn’t want to see - where the wind was blowing. And you - my friends are the ones paying the price for that. Tony said-”

Loki barked a laugh. “Stark says a lot of things,” he said. Words he had said before, but the edge on them was sharper now. 

Steve rubbed his forehead. “He said I make choices for other people because I think I always know best.” Loki scoffed, but Steve glanced up at him sharply. “He’s not completely wrong. I do, sometimes. But that’s what I have to do. I can only make choices based on what feels right and wrong. I’ve never - I’ve  _ always  _ taken responsibility for that.” 

“You do not want to control people,” Loki said carefully. “You are...as good a leader as any I’ve seen.” 

“Am I? I led my team into prison. Wanda’s a mess. Clint and Scott don’t know when they’re going to see their families again. I’ve turned us all into fugitives.” 

“At least two of us already were,” Loki said dryly, but when Steve gave him a flat look he sighed. “You may have led, but others choose to follow.”

Steve sat down, rubbing his eyes. “Is that just taking advantage of their loyalty, though?” 

Loki frowned. “Give your friends some credit for having minds of their own.” 

“I don’t mean-” Steve exhaled again, slowly. “It just feels unfair.”

“And what of the unfairness to you?”

Steve shook his head. “That’s not…”

“Not the same? Not important?” Loki heard the slight bite in his voice and tried to moderate it. “Why are you the exception?”

Steve opened his mouth - and then, to Loki’s surprise, closed it, slumping a little. “I don’t know,” he said heavily. “I’m not, maybe. Except that when I agreed to lead that meant I had a responsibility, and I can’t help but think I failed them.”

“Ah, Steve.” Loki sat down slowly next to him. Steve’s skin was still slightly warm from the shower, though goosebumps were starting to pebble on his shoulders. 

“I did what I had to do,” Steve said. “And I still think it was right. I don’t think even Tony would like what we’d become under Ross’s control. And maybe it’s selfish, not being willing to give you up. Or Bucky. But I can accept that. Like I said,” and there was sudden urgency in Steve’s voice, turning to look Loki in the eye, “that’s my line.”

“And I am grateful,” Loki said. Steve shook his head. 

“You shouldn’t have to be. That should have always been - something you knew. Something  _ I  _ knew. I just...I didn’t want to think I was going to have to choose.” Steve’s mouth tugged at one corner. “Should’ve known. All the history I’ve read...sooner or later they were gonna ask me to do something I couldn’t do. I guess it was just a matter of time.”

Loki laid a hand on Steve’s shoulder, pressing his fingers just a little into the skin, and said nothing. “Stark,” he said carefully, and Steve shook his head sharply. 

“Tony. Geez. I sure wish he’d said something about how he felt about you and Buck earlier.” Steve looked at Loki again. “He’s wrong. You know that, right? He doesn’t know a damn thing about you. Not the  _ real  _ you.” 

_ I might be your downfall yet,  _ Loki thought. He stayed mute, and Steve’s mouth set in a stubborn line. 

“Don’t do that,” he said flatly. “ _ Don’t. I  _ know.” Loki made himself nod, doubts or no, and Steve sighed. “Well, at least you’re pretending.”

“Stark,” Loki reminded him. 

“Yeah.” Steve grimaced. “If he’d just  _ said _ \- but he didn’t. And what he did to you, using  _ Doom’s  _ technology-” His jaw clenched, then relaxed, and if some part of Loki was vaguely pleased by the anger on his behalf, he held his silence. And controlled the uneasy lurch that came with memory. “I’m not blameless,” Steve went on. “I  _ know  _ that. I should’ve-” He stopped, glancing at Loki. He tensed. 

“Should have what?” 

Steve looked down. “I guess it isn’t really a secret now. Buck...when he was the Winter Soldier, one of his missions was to kill Howard and Maria Stark. They were Tony’s parents. I knew, but I didn’t...that was Zemo’s  _ ultimate weapon. _ ”

Oh, Loki thought. That certainly filled in some gaps. Stark must have told Sam that he was going as a friend, or Sam would not have given him information. At the time, he might even have been doing so. 

“Ah,” Loki said at length. 

“Howard was a friend of ours,” Steve said quietly. “Back in the war. I wonder if...sending Buck specifically wasn’t someone’s idea of some kind of sick joke.” He shook his head slowly. “I should’ve told Tony. There was just never a good time, and then with Bucky there and things already tense, I just kept...letting it slip by.  _ Who would it even help,  _ I kept thinking, but he deserved to know.”

Loki’s stomach twisted uncomfortably, thinking of secrets kept to spare pain.  _ We didn’t want you to feel different.  _ He shook himself. “You thought you were sparing your friend. Two of them.”

“And that ended up almost getting Buck killed.” Steve’s expression hardened. “He had a right to know. He didn’t have a right to try to kill Bucky. He didn’t have a right to-” Steve stopped again, glancing silver-quick at Loki, and he almost wanted to laugh. 

“What?” He asked. Steve pressed his lips together and shook his head. 

“It doesn’t matter. Nothing you need to hear. He was just - angry.”

Part of Loki wanted to draw it out anyway, wanted to know out of some perverse curiosity what  _ dreadful  _ things Stark might have said about him. Even knowing it would probably be nothing new. He pushed that urge down. In the event he faced Stark again, he would have to find time to ask. 

Steve rubbed his eyes again. “I think he thought I would kill him.”   


“Would you have?” Loki asked, keeping his voice quiet, level. 

“I don’t know.” Steve’s voice was heavy. “I’d say no, but if...I don’t know.” 

Loki moved slowly, putting his arm around Steve’s shoulders and pulling him in to press a light kiss to his temple.

“I think what I really feel bad about,” Steve said quietly, “is that I don’t feel worse. The Avengers are in pieces and it’s at least partly my fault - no, don’t shake your head at me, it is. But it feels like...the air’s cleared, maybe. I don’t know.” Steve sighed. “That’s selfish too.”

“You can be selfish sometimes, Steve,” Loki said. “The world probably will not end for it.”

“You say that,” Steve said with a faint, wry smile that faded quickly. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For - dumping on you.” Steve shook his head. “None of this is your problem. It’s not even that serious. Just a lot of moaning.”

“I’d disagree,” Loki said.

Steve gave him a wry look. “You would. But be honest: if it was you, you’d say the same thing. If you said anything at all.” 

“I would like to think you are starting to train me better,” Loki murmured. Steve scoffed, but he shifted, leaning back into Loki just a little. 

“We’ll figure it out,” he said. “Right? We’ll make it work.” 

“We have so far,” Loki said. 

Steve sighed. “I guess we have.”


End file.
